ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
