FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
