I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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