2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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