How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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