You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
