my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
