I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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