gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
