peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
