You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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