From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
nutella sex= disaster
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
