your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
