Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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