you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
