How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
