In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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