Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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