In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My bed smells like the plague
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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