Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
