Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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