im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
