Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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