I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
