that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
