A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
