if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
