Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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