pop tarts are not kleenex
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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