nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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