they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
