Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
