not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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