dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
