I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
