I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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