I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
high people should be assigned attendants
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
