so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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