I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
