Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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