then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The air was thick with penises
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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