the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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