I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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