It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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