I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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