Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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