I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
