And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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