I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
