Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
