I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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