My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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