Someone shit on the floor
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
